there are generally two kinds of naked

If you're a fan of the TV show "Seinfeld," you know that there are generally two kinds of naked: "good naked" and "bad naked." Good naked was represented by Seinfeld's beautiful girlfriend, who, as a practicing nudist, liked to sit around the apartment in all her naked goodness. While I'm not entirely sure what the difference between a practicing nudist and one who does not practice is, trust me, this was good naked. Bad naked was demonstrated when Jerry (who should be called Hairy Jerry Seinfeld) decided to join in the naked fun by belt-sanding the floor in the buff. The mere sight of his bad nakedness was enough to drive his girlfriend screaming for the Gap.

While Jerry Seinfeld is not a bad looking guy, the point of the show was this: when it comes to naked, there is a not-so-fine line between the good, the bad and the ugly. A nude Marilyn Monroe lounging on a red velvet spread would be considered good naked. A naked Bill Clinton chowing down on red velvet cake, bad naked. A nude Demi Moore on the cover of "Cosmopolitan Magazine:" good naked. A naked Rush Limbaugh on the cover of "The Conservative Chronicle:" bad naked. Very bad naked. Very, very bad...

Shortly after the good/bad naked episode of "Seinfeld" aired, Black & Decker, Craftsmen and Ronco began putting warning labels on all their products advertising the dangers of combining power tools and salad shooters with bad naked.

"WARNING: Do not sand, saw, grind, drill, hack, rip, split, raze, poke, or grate with any power tool while in the state of bad nakedness. Please call our Bad Naked Hotline at 1-800-SEVERED for further information and assistance. A licensed, practicing nudist is available 24 hours a day to answer your power tool questions. Thank you for purchasing this product. And please, put something on. You're disgusting!"

What "Seinfeld" failed to mention is that naked, be it good or bad, comes in many different forms. For example, there's just plain "naked," which means you're not wearing clothes and you're not making a big deal about it. We enter and leave the world in this state of nakedness. It's the other states in between coming and going that usually get us into trouble.

Next, there's "Buck Naked" which means you're not wearing clothes and you're pretty danged proud of it. Toddlers and young children are the biggest practitioners of buck naked. Who doesn't remember stripping off their clothes and running naked through the living room like a white-tailed banshee whenever company dropped by? Who can forget streaking for the benefit and amusement of their old man's boss? And who can forget jumping naked out of the closet whenever the preacher stopped by for a cup of Sunday afternoon coffee and a slice of mama's apple pie? You never did that? Uh, me neither.